Fear and Faith

I've been thinking about the word fear today. What is it to fear something? Everyone's familiar with the concept of being frightened by a person sneaking up behind you or being in the woods at night all alone. That's when your adrenaline kicks in and the smallest of noises makes you jump and your hands are cold, but sweaty and your eyes dart every which way looking to find something to validate your fear.

But that's not the fear I've been thinking about.

I've been thinking about fear in the dehibilitating sense. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of pain and suffering. The fear of being diagnosed with AIDS or diabetes or cancer. The fear of simply living life. This is the fear I've been thinking about.

Why? Because I've begun to realize that though I like to think I'm a strong, independent woman, I'm probably one of the most "frightened" people I know. I live in fear of so many things. Not because I've had really bad experiences, but more likely because I've never experienced things and I'm scared to try. I'm totally intimitated by strong people. I look up to them thinking, "I wish I could be like that. So carefree of people's opinions and expectations." But for some reason, I can't make myself BE like the person I so envy.

I've fit into certain molds people have "made" for me my whole life. It's hard to break out of the molds. It's hard to be the real person behind an actor who changes to fit each situation. I'm a chameleon who blends, and sometimes I'd really like to be like the robin who can't blend into any setting.

I've been thinking about what exactly has been stopping me, and I think I've found my answer: I'm afraid to go out and do things alone without support/approval from someone else. I'm female, so of course I ask about 10 people if whether a decision I'm thinking about making is the right one or not before I make it, but I've started doing this with trivial things such as what I'm having for dinner or what I'm going to do on a Tuesday night after work. It's ridiculous, really.

I've now come to really appreciate the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."

God does not want me to be ashamed of the gifts He's given, the purpose He's given me, or the love I bear Him. In true love and faith, I need to go forth boldly and not worry so much about what everyone else is thinking about me all the time. I cannot live in fear of failure because as a human, I'm bound to fail sometime, somewhere, in somebody's eyes. By binding myself to the idea of pleasing everyone all the time, I bind myself to not living my own life. God does not want that. I do not want that.

So, my goal is to not live in fear, but just to live.