Individual in Pairs

Oh, I have wedding fever. In the past 5 years I have been invited to 4 weddings and been in 3. I have seen every type of wedding and reception - from ultra chic to super easy - and I have gathered ideas from them all. I have been a bridesmaid, the maid of honor, and, believe it or not, the unpaid wedding "Nazi" who kept everything moving smoothly. I've even been the cake maker/decorator. I have been in every position a woman can be in except the bride's.

I'm not the least bit bitter, am I?

I've been dating my boyfriend for the last 2 and half years. I just turned 27. He just turned 30 this year. I promise you, I am not one step closer to having any ring on my left hand than I was two years ago. I don't really blame him. Or myself. We've both experienced a lot of changes in the last two years - especially the last year where at one point, both of us were unemployed. I've had health issues that turned me - a perfectly sane and competent woman - into a raving psyco-bitch who cried every 5 minutes. I'm just now getting back to my normal self.

I'm hitting the point in life where, like so many of my friends, I'm not at all where I thought I'd be by this age in life. I definitely thought I'd be married by now. I thought I'd be several years into my career - not just a job. Turns out life doesn't turn out like the self-directed movies in your head. Big shocker, huh?

On the other hand, I'm just now realizing what it means to be an individual living as part of a couple. I spent probably the first year and a half of my relationship trying to be whatever my boyfriend wanted me to be. I'd do anything to please him - no matter the cost to myself. I gave and gave and gave - and sometimes with no return. That's when the psycho-bitch started to emerge and the torrential crying began. I'd given away more than just my time and energy - I gave away me. I buried everything that was inherent to me as an individual. Even now, I struggle with putting myself first and just doing what I want.

I've had to realize that doing what I want doesn't necessarily mean I'll do it alone, but it does mean sometimes I will - and that's okay. I don't have to do EVERYTHING with Brad. I don't have to have his permission. I can just make plans. Of course, not plans that will drastically alter our relationship, but small plans are okay. Even large ones are more acceptable now.

For example, I want to go to Scotland to get my PhD. It's been something I've had on my mind for about 3 years now. It's time I actually start TRYING to go. I may not get there, but at least I can try. I talked to Brad very hesitantly about this because I know this move will affect him too. He is all for it. I think some of it is that he just wants to sell everything he owns and totally restart somewhere else, but another part is that he's excited to be supportive of something I actually WANT to do for myself.

It's funny that though I have severe wedding envy right now, I'm probably still not ready to say "I do" as an individual yet. I've still got to work on getting ME back first. But when I find her, watch out because then I'll be pushing for a ring big time.