Unconditional, perfect love, the love that encompasses all that God is, has always been a difficult concept for me to grasp. As a human, and a female with a VERY good memory, unconditional love is something I feel neither able to give nor receive. I get too caught up in anger, hurt, betrayal, loss and regret. I like to think I'm a forgiving person, but the forgetting part is damn near impossible for me. I know my emotional limits are finite, and I have trouble loving those who flatten my dreams and spirit.
I also feel unworthy of unconditional love. If I can't give it, why should I receive? When I KNOW I'm disobedient, I pull back from those I love because I can't bear the judgement I also know I SHOULD receive. I struggle with this issue in my faith the most.
This weekend, for the first time ever in my life (I know. It's amazing it's taken me this long), I really FELT unconditional love. Where from? My parents.
I've always tried to live a life that would be pleasing to them. I sometimes did this to the point of ignoring my own aspirations and wants. Not to sound conceited, but I was the "perfect" child in my parents' eyes, and I didn't want that opinion to change. Unfortunately, I'm not a child anymore, and I'm certainly not perfect, and I'm really tired of doing everything to please everyone but myself.
Thus, I've started just trying to be myself with my family. It's not easy. We all walk on eggshells with each other - not wanting to upset our carefully maintained balance. I'm throwing that balance off by some decisions that I have had to recently make that I truly feel are best for me now and in the future. I was terrified to tell my parents my decision. Then, to my utter surprise and complete relief, they were fine with it. No judgement. No deadly silence over the phone that means tears will follow later. No condemnation. Just . . . okay. Their reaction both freaked me out and allowed me the biggest sigh of relief I've had in a long time.
This experience has made me realize that no matter what, my parents love me. And if they, in their also finite ability to love, can love me "unconditionally," how much more can God, whose heart is beyond measure, love me? It was a startling and mind-blowing revelation to me. One I'm truly thankful for today. And let me tell you, if you struggle with the same, be honest. With your family, your friends, your lover, or your Lord. There is no greater peace than coming as you ARE and being loved - flaws and all.
