Katrina's Antics

When you're not in the direct path of a hurricane, you can look at hurricane weather in a different way. In South Carolina, we are feeling some effects of Katrina, but they are funny rather than disturbing. One minute, the sun is out. The next minute, downpour. Sun. Rain. No, sun. No, rain. Wind. Sun. Rain. Sun. Wind. Rain. Very entertaining to me today as I have nothing to do at work but look out the window.

Not to make light of those who lost loved ones or homes. To those people, I offer my most sincere sympathy. God be with you all.

I feel like a woman . . . I guess

What is it about a woman wearing high heels? Do our legs really look THAT much better? I'm wearing (I admit) some pretty high-heeled shoes today. Just some simple black ones from Payless. I'm also wearing a very moderate knee-length, a-line black skirt. I've worn it several times before. Today, however, I had to walk around downtown Greenville a little to make some deposits in several banks. I got a ton of whistles and hoots and holla's (hollers for you Yanks) as I walked.

Why? I don't get it. I've worn the same outfit, replacing my heels with my Mary Jane Birkenstock's, with NO reaction whatsoever. So it must be the heels. But why? And why do guys have to make fools of themselves? It's funny, really, how they think women are flattered by wolf whistles from shirtless, mullet-wearing men in a beat-up, mud-splattered pickup. Yeah, like THAT makes me feel sexy. Pa-lease!

I did, however, get one genuinely nice comment. I had a polite gentleman (no mullet and a shirt on) with a completely innocuous smile say I looked nice today. Now that made me feel like a woman.

Who has control?

I feel like I have control . . . but then I don't. I'm steadily working at the Scotland applications (and there are a lot of them with multiple parts), and though I'm making progress, I don't feel like I'm making them fast enough. It's the lack of speedy communication that makes me feel like I'm lagging behind. I hate having to rely on e-mails because I know I don't always answer e-mails right away, so why should they? It could be next week before I get an answer I need. So frustrating. But, seeing as how it is people in Scotland, I can't just very well call them. Too expensive and the times are so different.

Ugh. No wonder people start this so much earlier than I did.

But I'm still working at it. One day at a time.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

I am such a dolt! I am trying to go to Scotland to begin my PhD work in 2007. Well, I wasn't thinking academic calendars when I started looking at application deadlines. For both scholarship and actual university applications, the deadlines for the 2006/2007 schoolyear are in October! I thought I had plenty of time because I thought the current applications were still for this school year. Boy, was I wrong. Now I am scrambling to get my applications filled-out, have the corresponding letters of recommendation ready on time, write deep and significant personal essays about my burning desire to study in Scotland, and secure funding by October - for next year! Wish me luck, kiddies. I need it.

Weekend Update

I had what I like to call a "homey" weekend. I spent the weekend at Brad's dad's house in Edgefield, SC. It's a really small town with nothing to do there, but we enjoyed a very nice pool and plenty of margaritas.=) Time spent there always seems so refreshing. We relax, talk, eat, watch movies, and sleep. I always come home well-rested. It's very much my home away from home. It doesn't substitute going home, but it's as close as I can get while still in South Carolina. Yea relaxing weekends!

Overlyverbose

For those of you actually willing to look at my blog site, I apologize for the length of my entries. What can I say? I'm an English major who read British Victorian fiction for fun. I, therefore, suffer the malady of being overlyverbose. (I think and write too much).

Please pardon me for there is no cure.

Individual in Pairs

Oh, I have wedding fever. In the past 5 years I have been invited to 4 weddings and been in 3. I have seen every type of wedding and reception - from ultra chic to super easy - and I have gathered ideas from them all. I have been a bridesmaid, the maid of honor, and, believe it or not, the unpaid wedding "Nazi" who kept everything moving smoothly. I've even been the cake maker/decorator. I have been in every position a woman can be in except the bride's.

I'm not the least bit bitter, am I?

I've been dating my boyfriend for the last 2 and half years. I just turned 27. He just turned 30 this year. I promise you, I am not one step closer to having any ring on my left hand than I was two years ago. I don't really blame him. Or myself. We've both experienced a lot of changes in the last two years - especially the last year where at one point, both of us were unemployed. I've had health issues that turned me - a perfectly sane and competent woman - into a raving psyco-bitch who cried every 5 minutes. I'm just now getting back to my normal self.

I'm hitting the point in life where, like so many of my friends, I'm not at all where I thought I'd be by this age in life. I definitely thought I'd be married by now. I thought I'd be several years into my career - not just a job. Turns out life doesn't turn out like the self-directed movies in your head. Big shocker, huh?

On the other hand, I'm just now realizing what it means to be an individual living as part of a couple. I spent probably the first year and a half of my relationship trying to be whatever my boyfriend wanted me to be. I'd do anything to please him - no matter the cost to myself. I gave and gave and gave - and sometimes with no return. That's when the psycho-bitch started to emerge and the torrential crying began. I'd given away more than just my time and energy - I gave away me. I buried everything that was inherent to me as an individual. Even now, I struggle with putting myself first and just doing what I want.

I've had to realize that doing what I want doesn't necessarily mean I'll do it alone, but it does mean sometimes I will - and that's okay. I don't have to do EVERYTHING with Brad. I don't have to have his permission. I can just make plans. Of course, not plans that will drastically alter our relationship, but small plans are okay. Even large ones are more acceptable now.

For example, I want to go to Scotland to get my PhD. It's been something I've had on my mind for about 3 years now. It's time I actually start TRYING to go. I may not get there, but at least I can try. I talked to Brad very hesitantly about this because I know this move will affect him too. He is all for it. I think some of it is that he just wants to sell everything he owns and totally restart somewhere else, but another part is that he's excited to be supportive of something I actually WANT to do for myself.

It's funny that though I have severe wedding envy right now, I'm probably still not ready to say "I do" as an individual yet. I've still got to work on getting ME back first. But when I find her, watch out because then I'll be pushing for a ring big time.

Fear and Faith

I've been thinking about the word fear today. What is it to fear something? Everyone's familiar with the concept of being frightened by a person sneaking up behind you or being in the woods at night all alone. That's when your adrenaline kicks in and the smallest of noises makes you jump and your hands are cold, but sweaty and your eyes dart every which way looking to find something to validate your fear.

But that's not the fear I've been thinking about.

I've been thinking about fear in the dehibilitating sense. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of pain and suffering. The fear of being diagnosed with AIDS or diabetes or cancer. The fear of simply living life. This is the fear I've been thinking about.

Why? Because I've begun to realize that though I like to think I'm a strong, independent woman, I'm probably one of the most "frightened" people I know. I live in fear of so many things. Not because I've had really bad experiences, but more likely because I've never experienced things and I'm scared to try. I'm totally intimitated by strong people. I look up to them thinking, "I wish I could be like that. So carefree of people's opinions and expectations." But for some reason, I can't make myself BE like the person I so envy.

I've fit into certain molds people have "made" for me my whole life. It's hard to break out of the molds. It's hard to be the real person behind an actor who changes to fit each situation. I'm a chameleon who blends, and sometimes I'd really like to be like the robin who can't blend into any setting.

I've been thinking about what exactly has been stopping me, and I think I've found my answer: I'm afraid to go out and do things alone without support/approval from someone else. I'm female, so of course I ask about 10 people if whether a decision I'm thinking about making is the right one or not before I make it, but I've started doing this with trivial things such as what I'm having for dinner or what I'm going to do on a Tuesday night after work. It's ridiculous, really.

I've now come to really appreciate the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."

God does not want me to be ashamed of the gifts He's given, the purpose He's given me, or the love I bear Him. In true love and faith, I need to go forth boldly and not worry so much about what everyone else is thinking about me all the time. I cannot live in fear of failure because as a human, I'm bound to fail sometime, somewhere, in somebody's eyes. By binding myself to the idea of pleasing everyone all the time, I bind myself to not living my own life. God does not want that. I do not want that.

So, my goal is to not live in fear, but just to live.

Opening Statements

Greetings Y'all!

Just a little Southern humor to start my blogging. This is my first attempt at blogging, so excuse me if it takes me awhile to get the hang of it. I'm not that great at daily writings, so it may only be once a week. But keep checking for the latest info from the great state of South Carolina.

Random Thought/Quote:

I just got a 6G iPod mini for my birthday. I also got a bag of Oreos. I was just as excited about the Oreos as I was the iPod. I'm such a girl.