Hazy Shade of Me

A memory. Brought to the surface by an image. The once joy and anticipation that sight held is felt again. The feelings then were grand and glorious and frightening.

I miss them.

For one moment, every tingle once felt in my fresh nerves - the source of every line now around my mouth created that day - is there again. It was the beginning.

Time passed. The sight grew more dear and then . . . faded. Feelings faded, too. Youthful vigor gave way to anxiety, worry, defense and the cares of life. Broodish behavior replaces progressive thinking. Sunlit yellow exchanged for the realities of black & white.

Today, I saw again. I remembered. And suddenly yellow is back in my wardrobe.

*A tribute to "The Barn"

Vortex

One thing goes right, another goes wrong. I struggle and strive to make things better for myself and everyone I know, but I just keep failing somewhere. I am on an very imbalanced scale and it keeps dipping against my favor. My efforts keep getting sucked into a vortex and I take two steps backwards for every step forward.

I had a great weekend, only to be found wanting come this morning. I'm back in the vortex.

I'm sorry to those I've disappointed.

Most of all, I'm sorry I'm disappointing to myself.

Psychology 101

The human brain and how it functions is fascinating. It's amazing how a person can think so many things either simultaneously or in a rapid series.

Tuesday morning I got my acceptance letter for the PhD program at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland. Same day, Brad left for Connecticut to attend his grandfather's funeral. Same day, I finalized a place for Brad and my wedding ceremony and reception. Same day, my mom shocked the life out of me by being excited at the prospect of me moving to a foreign country across the ocean for three years. Same day - had my first truly intense desire to sit down and work on my novel in, like, forever. Same day, Brad actually proved he had heard something I told him and put my wants ahead of his by sneaking roses (a flower he particularily dislikes but I do) into my apartment in congratulations of my good news.

I had so much on my mind personally that day, work was a total flop! I was a little like Mr. Bean: well-intentioned, but not altogether with it.

Last night I spent almost 3 hours at Barnes & Noble looking for both information on scholarship money that's available out there and information just on Scotland and the way of life there. I couldn't stop thinking and when I finally brought my head up from the books I was looking at, I swear I must have gone cross-eyed. I wasn't really overloaded, just so concentrated. I haven't gone after anything with this kind of dedication in awhile.

Here's where I need psychology 101: why is it that when a heretofore apathetic person suddenly becomes motivated, their brain goes overboard and won't shut off? Is it just excited to be used again like a car battery revs into life after a jump, or is it more like a damn that has previously been closed finally being allowed to open? What makes the brain stop or stall in the first place?

Fascinating.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

As a teenager, if I saw my parents holding hands or sitting on the couch all cuddled up, I was completely grossed out. Now, I see my parents cuddling or looking at each other in complete adoration, and I have envy. I am amazed at how they still love each other so much after so long.

I'm finding that love, or loving in a relationship, is a lot of work. The ooey-gooey, "You're so wonderful stage" is way past for me. Yes, I love my fiance, but sometimes actually being with him is terribly difficult. He can grate on my nerves like no one else. I find that line between love and hate can be be VERY thin at times. Then again, if I cared only half as much about him, I'd only be irritated half as much. Why is it we can forgive and forget a lot easier with a friend than a lover? I just don't get it rationally, but it's true to me emotionally.

Do all relationships go through this phase of, "I love you/I hate you?"

I really miss the ooey-gooey stage. So many things have contributed to its departure. How do I get it back? Any suggestions?

Not Just Another New Year's Resolution

Every year the same typical New Year's resolutions come up: lose weight, eat better, exercise more, work less, etc. Most of the time, these resolutions start well, but quickly deteriorate into nothing. Know why? Because they are boring and not specific enough.

In order to really be motivated to change, one must set very specific goals. For example, instead of just saying, "I'm going to lose weight," set a specific amount, like 5 pounds. It's a small goal that can be easily accomplished so that one feels successful and will, thus, be more likely to continue.

But this is not really my point. My point is that I'm tired of making the same old resolutions. So, this year, I have not just one, but several, and they are all very specific.

1) To fall in love with my body - no matter how "curvy" it becomes

2) To eat at least 1 serving of vegetables a day

3) To keep up with Brad mountain biking and beat him at tennis

4) To not always think the worst, but the best

5) To not let stress get the better of my temper

6) To find more girl friends to hang out with

7) To attend church regulary

8) To finish at least 5 chapters of my latest beginning of a novel

9) To have meaningful contact with my current scattered friends at least once a week

10) To be the decisive, strong, independent woman I was 3 years ago

Happy New Year's!